i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
