ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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