Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
