Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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