thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize