I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
