I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
