just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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