He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
