I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
