I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
