last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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