I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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