then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
