Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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