the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When did angry sex become our thing?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
