Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm so fucking centered right now
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
