you will always have a special place in my vag
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
This baby is an asshole
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
