i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
