i love accidental penises.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
