As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
