So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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