This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
