Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
