we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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