you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
