i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
