Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize