Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
