I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
