Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
