also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
