I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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