ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize