Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
