the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
