When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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