if only i could text you this smell
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize