We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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