my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
