Please, let me fuck your mom
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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