we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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