Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
