He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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