The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
