gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
