I wish I could punch you in the face.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
