Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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