Sober January is a disaster.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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