Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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