I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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