i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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