Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
