Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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