i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
