We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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