I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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