we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
