I think im going to throw up on grandma
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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