And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
