i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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