dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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