I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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