it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
