2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
