Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
