I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
