All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
