my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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