Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
