Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
